I've Been Everywhere, Man, and I'm Still Here

I've been across the west side of this beautiful country, and I still feel very confused.  It's hard to explain the feeling inside me—the one that wants so much more (or so much different) than what I have but doesn't know exactly what that is.

I sit here in glorious Ashland, Oregon, wondering about what I want, still battling the urge to binge, still searching for mysterious signs, and trying to get in touch with my intuition.  I'm trying to listen.  I'm trying to do this thing. 

I want to go home, but I don't know where home is.  Houston doesn't feel like home anymore.  I plan to move out of the house where I'm living as soon as I return. The question is only where to go.  I am caught between the desire to write and create and the need to earn a solid income.  How solid does that income need to be?  Where will it come from? 

Even at the hardest times in my life, I've been okay.  I've been cared for.  I cherish the support I get from others, the love I feel all around me.  I cherish it and hold it dear, but all of these experiences are not reducing my level of anxiety and worry.

I changed the oil in my car today—or rather, I had some car experts do it for me.  I wish I could do a sort of oil change on myself.  I guess that's what people are looking for with detox regimens and colon cleanses, but this runs deeper than the physical. I need to change the way I see the world in some fundamental way. I need to make the pieces snap together in a way I know I cannot.  So I search.

I definitely feel like an eternal soul trapped in a mortal body, like I'm some sort of spirit that has come down to help this Michelle Cowan person make it in this world.  Sadly, the spirit part is kind of sick of doing the human thing. My spirit is stuck here, with this body at all times. I have to deal with hungers and tiredness and limited sensory capacity. I have to move linearly through time, deal with people, and adopt a limited perspective. How can I appease this restless spirit part of me?  How can I live a life in this body that satisfies my spirit?

I am, oddly, afraid that I'll wind up as a crazy homeless person or something.  I see myself as successful, peaceful, and happy, but this other, scary, deeply unsuccessful image comes to my mind, too.  It's strange. I know that I will be okay, but at the same time, I don't know if I'll be okay.  I don't even know where I want to live.  I feel like spacing out and being by myself for a while, which is what I'm doing at many points during this road trip.  Interestingly, my best moments on the journey have been with people, but I've loved the alone time, too.  I guess that means that despite my need to solitude, I need to ask for help.

Frankly, I need a job (or maybe multiple small jobs).  I have enough work to occupy me for now, but that's mostly because road tripping takes up the vast majority of my time. I will need more if I want to pay rent.  I want to go into a job at least three times a week, have friends, and live in a home I love.  I also want to do some of my work on my own time, according to my rules. That's just me and just some of the time. 

I hope that writing and music could add up to be enough, but I also need steady part-time work to give me a secure and steady salary.  What will I do, though?  What will I do that I won't absolutely hate? I feel very open, but I'm not sure what the opportunity will be. 

It occurs to me that the opportunity will come at the perfect time and that the time isn't here yet.  I wish it could get here soon.  I'm ready for it.

In an interesting sidenote, I finally have a pretty concrete idea for a novel. I'd like to bring that to fruition. I'd also like to record an album. Both projects move slowly, they are far from money makers. Perhaps I would be better served by leaving off the worry and just creating—create without financial worry.  It is possible?  Methinks yes.

Sidetracked by Fear

I’ll admit it.  I got a little distracted this week, but I’ve nailed down the culprit: fear. In my first week of self-employment, I decided to pursue a job as an assistant. It was advertised as only around 10-15 hours per week, and even though the pay was minimal, it sounded good to have some sort of steady income on the side.

I interviewed for the position and was accepted, but after three days on the job—yes, three days—I realized that assisting is not my strong suit.

Besides the basic disconnect between my personality and everything an assistant should be, the entire time, I was thinking, “I need to be working on my own business.  I need to be growing my own client base.”  Even though my new boss had a lovely personality, explained things as best she could, and didn’t ask for too much, I couldn’t do it. I needed more time to get into the rhythm of my new life.

The honest truth is that I don’t know how much extra time I have. I’m working all the time, so it would appear that I have no extra hours to spend running errands at near-minimum wage. I could be spending a few hours finding clients who will pay my full fees instead of bringing only a handful of dollars home at a time, or I could be devoting energy to my true love: music.

But my client list is short and the gigs do not pay that much. It’s frightening. I have dozens of contacts, contracts with a number of different organizations, and no offers. I’m finding small projects, but I have to cross my fingers that I will continue to find more.  I’m getting more and more music gigs, which is fabulous, but I would prefer more paying ones. It’s rough. No wonder I reach out for the familiarity of a “regular” job.

Anyway, my side job cut into valuable morning creative hours and gave me such stress attacks that I knew it wasn’t the right thing to do. I wanted to be there for my boss.  I really did.  But my heart was not there, and I felt overwhelmed by every aspect of assistantship. Being at someone’s beck and call is not my forte. When set on default, I’m a “my way or the highway” thinker who believes that she knows best in just about every situation. (I’m not saying that I think I am correct in this mindset or that I act on this mode of thinking most of the time, but it is my instinct to insist that I’m right.) Bottom line: If my kneejerk reaction to authority is “no way,” what am I doing trying to take orders for a living!? 

I quit.  For the second time this month, I quit.  It didn’t feel good.  I hated leaving my new boss in the lurch. But it’s what needed to happen. I have to follow my heart, which knows that I will get more business over time. I ended the job the best way I could, finished out my duties for the week, and went home to look for work.

My days are already filled with engagements and networking events and jobs that I need to concentrate on. I want to grow my own vision, not someone else’s, wonderful though it may be.

At the end of the day, I got back to my dream, to my vision, and to the challenge before me. I have to lay a strong foundation for my music and writing/editing business before I desperately reach out for new, “regular” jobs. I must let myself be free for a while. I am doing everything I need to do. No need to get distracted.  Keep walking forward. It will all work out… I’m choosing to believe that.

No More Dying

I felt like I was dying. That’s the best way I can describe it. I would be sitting at my desk, staring at the computer, feeling the keyboard under my fingers, and I would think, “I’m going to die.” Not a suicidal thought, just a premonition.  If I continued to sit there, at that job, in that building, doing the same thing every day, I would die. This I knew.

So I quit.  After four months of torment, fear, sadness, bingeing, resignation, anger, meditation, crying, praying, thinking, journaling, and dreaming, I quit. When I made the decision to quit my well-paying, full-time, insurance-providing job, I felt free. I felt like I could live in the world again.

I told my boss about my decision four days after I made it in my heart. I had discussed the choice with people, who mostly reacted positively.  I was rather shocked at how responsible they seemed to think I was.  I doubted I would be able to get myself to focus each day, trying to find work as a musician and writer, but they seemed fairly certain that I would do it. It occurred to me that I might be far more mature and reliable than I estimated. Perhaps I am.  Perhaps I’m not.  That remains to be seen.

I have been self-employed for three days now.  I have a few solid clients with Rock Star Writing and Editing already. By a few, I mean 3-5, and only two of them are booked for more than a single project. In music news, I couldn’t get any other musicians to sign on for the second Mi’Show, which is happening on May 4. Nonetheless, I have a nice vision in my head of a solo concert, so I think it will work out.  I have a lot to say to my fans right now, and perhaps I need an entire two hours to say it to an audience.

I have little idea how I am going to make ends meet. At this point, I don’t even know if I’m approved for individual health insurance.  If I get it, how will I pay for it?  My decision to leave my job seems increasingly insane.

Still, I do know one thing. The thought of going back to my old job upsets my stomach, up into my throat. I don’t want to go back. It was certainly not a bad job.  It was the best job I’ve ever had.  I was paid handsomely for work that, honestly, wasn’t that difficult. I liked the people there.  The office location was beautiful.  People appreciated my writing and editing for the most part, and I got to contribute in many other ways to the company.

Nonetheless, I was going to die.

Today, I don’t feel like I’m going to die.  Today, I feel free.  I feel afraid.  But I also feel free.  Part of me is strapped down by thoughts clambering for me to find more work, more money, more gigs, more everything. But another part of me knows that I will always have everything I need.  I just don’t know what I need yet.

I watched the sunset today from my car.  I was coming back from a recovery meeting that focuses on steps 10, 11, and 12 from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.  We call it After Nine. The concept resonates with me.  We focus on spirituality and on our connection with others.  It lines up brilliantly with something my last sponsor told me. She said that recovery is really about three things:

1. Connecting with God
2. Connecting with others
3. Connecting with ourselves

That’s what After Nine is about. I may not fully ascribe to everything the Anonymous programs typically stand for, but I do feel that this part of it works for me.

I feel that something in this universe knows more than me—can see farther than me—even if that something is nature, pure and simple. There is a future and a past where I do not exist. I exist right now, in the present. And right now, the present is a pretty uncertain place. Or maybe it’s the most certain place. 

In this moment, I know that I am sitting here, writing this post, choosing words.  I know those things.  I don’t know the future.  I don’t know how long I will be able to work for myself or even if I will be able to work for myself at all.  I’m not sure what I’m going to do with music or if I will really find the new outlets I need.  I’m scared that I will not find what I need to make this life work.

But maybe a higher power will give me what I need instead.

Maybe I don’t have to know.  I am trying.  The bottom line is that I am putting one step in front of the other.  Even in my darkest times over the last few months, I did not stop getting up in the morning.  It became very difficult to do so, and I would procrastinate on taking that first shaky step out of bed in the morning. But I kept living life.

I gave it my best.  Yes, my best sucked a lot of the time, but I gave it. I am giving it.  I have goals for how many hours I want to work each day.  I have specific milestones I want to reach. But I don’t know if I will manage to work that many hours or reach those milestones.  I don’t know if I will achieve my goals, and I also don’t know if my goals are really what my goals should be.  I’ll go after them, but I hope that the universe/circumstance/God/Goddess/whatever takes me to the best place for me.

I keep thinking that Houston, Texas, does not reflect my values and isn’t nurturing me the way it once did.  Perhaps it’s time to move on.  However, Houston Community College has a great music production program that I want to complete, and I treasure my friends and other connections here. How will I know whether to stay or go?  Time will show me.

I canoed almost 15 miles down Buffalo Bayou last Saturday with some friends. I felt my smallness.  The boat wasn’t very big at all, but it was certainly bigger than I am.  The canoe seemed so insignificant compared to the trees and the steep, sloping sides of the bayou.  The sky was so much taller, and the city streets so much more massive than anything I have ever been or created.

I quit my job. I play music. I write.  I edit.  I look for work.  I look for ways to feel in touch with the world. That’s what I’ve done. That’s what I’m doing.  And a whole big world continually expands and engulfs all of it.

I’m glad I quit my job.  I’m glad that I can go anywhere in this big, wide world. I don’t know if it ever dawned on me so fully that I can truly go anywhere and do anything.  I’ve known that at an intellectual level, but I’ve never put it into practice.  Since I was a teenager, I’ve had a plan for everything.  I always follow the plan, and when the plan inevitably does not work out, I make another plan.  How about not making a plan?  I don’t mean discard my personal work schedule, goals, or other organizational tools.  But how about loosening my grip on those things?  How about life not being my plan, but instead, the way I do things?

Thinking about plans in that way helps me understand that I don’t know the outcome of what I’m doing.  I don’t know what will evolve out of my current efforts.  But my current efforts feel right.  I love writing.  I love inspiring others.  I love talking to other people about the things I’ve learned in life.  Perhaps these things will come together in a life I enjoy—in a life I want to live.

I’m going to die—eventually. But I’m going to live right now.  In my uncertain, unsteady, bewildered, inquisitive, sometimes frantic and afraid, sometimes peaceful and confident way, I’m going to live. I’m going to put one foot in front of the other and see where it takes me.  I’ve heard phrases like that for a long time.  Now, I’ve given myself a chance to really feel what the words mean. In a way, I want God to show me that she really is in control, that my life is okay.

I don’t want to binge and cry away my whole life. I want to write, travel, love, play music, give, and enjoy.  When I tell you that you can make any choice and do anything, I mean it.  Every decision ha consequences.  And guess what, I can deal with those consequences.  You can deal with those consequences.

I’m not going to tell everyone who hates their jobs to quit them. I am going to tell you to listen to your heart. Your heart knows when it’s dying and when it feels alive.  It knows how to live.  I don’t know how it knows, but it knows.  I feel it in my spirit.  I am shared out of my boots, shaking, weirded out, and totally puzzled by what I’ve done. But you know what? I’m allowed to make a giant mistake.  I’ve never let myself do anything that I thought would be a huge mistake, and even with that kind of forethought, I’ve still made too many mistakes to count.  I’ve always avoided any major choice that I thought could turn out very, very badly. 

Well, this time, I see the possibility of failure.  I recognize it.  And you know what?  It’s worth it.  Failing would be better than never trying at all.  At least I’ll be somewhere different when I hit bottom. And maybe that’s all my heart needs: something different.

Heart, I won’t let you die, especially not in front of a computer screen.

Rock Star Writing and Editing

I'm finally ready to start my own writing and editing business: Rock Star Writing and Editing.  I'm thrilled that I now have enough experience to offer quality services through a more professional structure.  Please tell all your friends... and your boss... about my new venture.

Life is getting a bit stale, and I need to bring more variety into the work portion of my life.  Working for myself and choosing a more diverse set of projects promises to bring just that.  I'm searching for something.  I feel very displaced and hungry for an unknown experience.  This new business is one attempt to find a new level of satisfaction. 

It may not be healthy to continually seek the next level in one's life or career.  It's a pretty futile journey.  The human soul is never completely satisfied.  We never reach the apex of achievement, even when we accomplish our most outrageous dreams.  Even though I know these things, I also know that I am a person who rarely feels content.  Although I meditate and seek knowledge and try to base my worth on things other than my accomplishments, I am always reaching.  Instead of denying or suppressing that desire (as I often do), I'm embracing it in this effort to bring a new work element into my life.

Please support me by visiting www.rockstarwriting.wordpress.com.  And tell everyone you know, especially those who regularly hire freelance writers and editors or who have a need for technical or other business writing expertise.

Rock on!